I turn 58 this year. Fifty eight, seems like a nice round number, but awfully close to sixty, which seems quite old. It’s all pretty silly, this age thing, because as my grandfather once said, “I don’t feel old”. When I look in the mirror, I am surprised to see a 58 year old woman looking back at me, my body may be a bit weaker and less flexible, but my inner world is stronger, more vibrant, and true.
These middle years have been a flurry of growth and expansion, of loss and letting go, with a strong dose of hormonal fluctuation—much like walking through fire–and coming through somehow whole and clear. The 58 year old me has a new found love of nature, much more patience, and a renewed enjoyment of fashion and other hobbies I liked when I was young.
In January, my daughter turned 18. She arranged her big birthday at the home of friends, and while I made the food and purchased the decorations, I did not go, this her time to begin standing on her own, and while she was happy to have me come, we both need this time to get used to how things will soon be. I waffle back and forth between being ready for her to leave and trying to hold on to what we had. This is how it’s been, the dance between us, forward and back, each step forward is bigger, each step back, smaller.
March will mark my first year in menopause the bumpy ride between being able to bear children and not. As a 58 year old, I am late to the party, I know. What this means in the whole scheme of things, I am not sure, but the world says its a milestone and I feel a calling to celebrate somehow. For me, this menopause thing has been a lonely go, maybe a party is in order. As I go through my hormonal roller coaster, I am helping my daughter find her way along her own rocky road through puberty. We are both at the end of it now, things seem to have leveled out and we are both looking forward to that great unknown which is life.
May brings Brooke’s graduation, and a flurry of preparations to help send my her into the world, and hopefully off to a strong start at college. We have been talking a lot about responsibility, about financial self sufficiency, and interests that might lead her to a satisfying career and life. I reminisce, I look at old pictures and try not to be the woman who tells young women with small children how fast time goes by.
July brings both my birthday and 40 year high school reunion. 40 years? Really? I had to take a moment just now to do the math. Realizing that it’s been 40 years since I graduated high school is almost as shocking as realizing I will be turning 58! High school was so long ago, it is almost as if it never existed, and yet, I have a bunch of friends on Facebook who remind me that it actually did.
My time, which is increasingly my own, seems expansive, open, and freeing. I take time to meditate, to appreciate, to care and nurture my soul and the new relationship I have found with my boyfriend, Roger. I feel blessed to have this opportunity to share my life with someone who cherishes and nurtures our relationship as much as I do.
By August, I will have decided whether to move or stay put for another year or so. I will have more clarity about the direction of this blog, YouTube videos, and this whole new venture as a writer, a content creator, and marketer.
September marks 10 years since I lost 30 pounds and have kept it off, representing a commitment I made to myself and am proud to have kept. You know, I’ve let my self down more times that I’d care to count, so this means more to me than just loosing weight.
It’s also been 10 years that I have been meditating and doing yoga in one form or another. In 2007, I was drawn to be very intentional about my spiritual life, and in the center of that found yoga. At first, it just felt good, but soon I also had a taste of meditation. Between yoga, meditation and spiritual studies, I have experienced healing, understanding, wisdom and compassion. Meditation has helped me become a better person on so many levels. Better late than never, I always say.
I try not to be anxious about the future, I try to keep my focus on doing the very best I can do right now with what I have, but anxiety does sweep over me, and I do panic from time to time. The one constant in all of this is that I don’t feel old, and I am growing to like that mature woman I see when I look in the mirror. I turn 58 this year, hurray!