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Dating a Cheater: What I Learned the Hard Way

08/26/2019 · In: Inspiration

Dating a Cheater: What I Learned the Hard Way by Nina from Sharing a Journey

In my mid twenties, I dated a guy with a penchant for cheating.  He was one of a  list of  completely unacceptable guys I cycled through during my early adult years.  Frustration, heartbreak,  and angst sent me to the office of a therapist.  I wanted relief.  Pronto.  

How did I get myself into such a spot with guys, I wondered.  Were there actually any “good” guys out there?  Some of my friends seemed to find them, but well adjusted, kind, loving guys seemed to elude me.  

“You can’t find the right guy for yourself if you don’t know what you are looking for,” my therapist declared one rainy afternoon as I forlornly recounted yet another sad relationship  story.

Quote of The Ideal Man

I was sent home with an assignment:  to make a list of qualities I wanted in a partner. That weekend, I sat down and made a list. Of the sixteen items I had written on my list, I was surprised to discover that he guy I was dating at the time had less than a quarter of the of the qualities I was looking for and, quite frankly that was stretching it. 

Perhaps he was right for someone, just not for me.  While it was difficult initially to let go of the relationship, (even though he had cheated continuously–I was young…) letting go opened the way for both of us to find someone more suitable.  

The list a was powerful tool which helped me become more selective in who I went out with, and taught me that I had the ultimate say in who I chose to spend time with. Dating was an opportunity to see if I liked the guy, not the other way around.  Most importantly, I didn’t have to settle; I began to see that there were lots of guys out there, and I became more confident that I had the ability and deserved to find the right one.  

"Looking beneath the surface"

The list can also serve another, much more powerful purpose, which I discovered recently.  Often, we look for others to give us  the very things we need to provide  ourselves.  For example, we might want someone who loves us without judgement. To look deeper, one might ask, do I love myself without judgement?  

If you are like me, you might find yourself to be a harshly self judging.  When we attract a similarly critical partner, the stress and pressure becomes untenable.  We think that if we find that gentle, non judging partner, all will be well.  But the voice of our own inner judge continues whether we have a partner or not, unless we intervene and grant ourselves acceptance.  If we are able find acceptance and even compassion ourselves, what others think loses it’s power.  It has been my experience that when one dancer stops dancing, the dance naturally stops.

"Finding compassion for yourself"

I found compassion and healing for myself through the daily practice yoga and meditation. One of my close friends found it through her church, others take up self nurturing and self care practices.  As I have shared in previous posts, my early attempts at self care and nurturing were wonky, but I kept trying with the hope that I would find my way to a healthier inner world, and though it’s taken time, I have come a long way and learning to give yourself what you need is a worthy pursuit.  

The Takeaway:

  • I have a say in who I spend time with, and who I invite more deeply into my life.
  • Letting go of the wrong guy opens the door to finding the right guy.
  • You can’t find what you are looking for if you don’t take time to figure out what you actually want.
  • To stop looking for others to fill my needs.
  • To practice self acceptance and compassion.
  • We have the best shot at a healthy relationship if we first tend to our own emotional health.

*Better Help is an affiliate program.

Sometimes, we need help working our way through various issues in our lives. I have turned to therapy several times along my path to healing. Recently, I learned about Better Help, an online non-emergency mental health program that pairs you with an online therapist. It’s completely confidential and because it’s all done online you don’t have to worry about going in for an appointment. Click HERE for more information. *this is an affiliate link

By: Nina · In: Inspiration · Tagged: how to heal when your man cheats, How to know what men think, what to do when your man cheats, what to learn when your man cheats, what you can learn when your man cheats

About Nina

Sharing A Journey is an award winning blog for women "of a certain age" who love life and style with a little inspiration mixed in. The blog and it's author Nina Anders has been featured in notable publications including Forbes, Next Avenue, Thrive Global and Parade. Photos by RSEsteyphotography Let's do midlife together!

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2025 is my year for a Glo Up starting with my skin 2025 is my year for a Glo Up starting with my skin care routine. I just started using the ZIIP Halo on my 65 year old skin.  Cant wait to see the results. #livingmybestlife #over60andfabulous #over50model #over65skincare @ziipbeauty
This week’s mini adventures had us in one of my This week’s mini adventures had us in one of my favorite spots-Dunedin Florida. We went for coffee and croissants at @dunedincoffeecompany where they have amazing coffee and a real in house bakery. Every so often the baker comes through with delicious creations right from the ovens. We went for some design inspiration @lrhome their shop never disappoints then on to the book shop. That made us hungry so we had to go to  @casatinas. How could you not?#livingmybestlife #over60andfabulous #over50womenoninstagram #over50style #outfitoftheday #over50model
I've been making a point to spend a lot less time I've been making a point to spend a lot less time on screens this year. It's been amazing how much free time I have to enjoy new hobbies and spending time with friends and family. I even tried my hand at painting with a Time For Art kit and actually made this sweet dolphin painting. I was surprised how easy it was even for someone like me who has very little painting experience. I loved how the kits came with everything I needed to make the painting, and I when I needed help, I watched a video on the Time for Art website. I thought it would be fun to host some friends for a girls painting night, invitations are in the mail--plus it would make a perfect gift. Be sure to check out @timeforartlive--I will link all their info in my link tree.
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